Each of us in our lifetimes creates an ADAPTIVE SELF. Carl Jung, famous Swiss psychiatrist, referred to this self as your “persona.” This persona, or adaptive self, is a mask that you create and wear to adapt to your environment and to feel safe.
It is this adaptive self that might cause you to abandon who you really are at the core (for example, maybe dismiss what you really want or need). Over time, you can begin to feel numb and empty, depressed or just lost—-acting a certain way but longing all the time for something else.
Maybe you act happy and wear a smile when deep down you are sad or depressed about life. Or you wear the mask of anger because you’re afraid to feel your sadness.
We’ve all worn masks. For example, you’ve made contracts with yourself through your beliefs as to what is available to you, how you should act, what you need to do, be, and have—-you’ve done all of this in order to survive. We’ve all done it.
In this blog, I’ll share a story about a client whom I’ll call Max.
I met Max when he was in his mid 30’s. He was an interesting man, pretty well adjusted as far as his work life and personal life, but in sharing his life story, he commented on how hard it was for him to share his emotions with anyone.
In looking back at his childhood with him—-trying to figure out his adaptive self, he recalled a very important event—-this was his grandmother’s funeral when he was 8 years old. He was very close to his grandmother, and at the funeral, he began to cry. He remembers his father saying to him sternly, “We do not cry in this family.” (Can you imagine saying this to an 8-year-old?)
Even though as an adult Max understands that what his father told him was detrimental to his psychological and emotional growth, as a child he really trusted his father’s “rules.”
It is his father’s rules that created Max’s adaptive self or mask that he’s been wearing since then. As he put it, even though he knows fully well as an adult that crying is not a sign of weakness, he has to overcome his guilty feelings when he lets himself feel sad in front of someone.
So, I reminded Max that it is important to look back at old contracts he has made with himself, to dig them up, void them if necessary, and/or rewrite them. Max did this exercise and created a mantra for himself–“I feel and honor my feelings fully.”
What old contracts do you have that need to be voided or rewritten? Exploring and removing your adaptive mask can help you “course correct” and move toward more authentic living on your journey.