by Cynthia Bischoff | Jun 11, 2017 | Heartliving
Certainly being nice can mean that we are sensitive and caring about the needs of others. We know that being considerate makes us happier than being selfish. So our nice behaviors may serve us well overall.
On the other hand, some people wear what might be called a “programmed sense of niceness.” Being “too nice” when it is not what we are feeling authentically can be a face that we have worn for years.
When we try to be perfect and take on too much we are often out of touch with what we actually need for ourselves. These behaviors can weigh us down. We may take on extra responsibilities and sometimes feel cheated or angry that we are doing something we don’t want to do.
Do you regularly say “yes” to people when you want to say “no”? Do you cut yourself off from others by not telling them what you want? Do you pretend to be calm when you are feeling angry because you don’t want to upset someone else?
People who are too nice sometimes undermine their own good intentions. Being too nice may stem from programmed messages that you received throughout your childhood:
Don’t be selfish.
Don’t say anything to hurt someone.
Be thoughtful of others.
Always be nice.
Issues of being too nice are often closely related to issues of boundaries. As you establish a better sense of who you are, especially in relation to other people, you will often help heal the “too nice” syndrome. This does not imply that you will be rude with others. It simply means that you will do what truly feels “right” to your authentic self and be sure you don’t leave yourself out of the equation of your life.
by Cynthia Bischoff | Jun 4, 2017 | Heartliving
In life we generally encounter people with difficult personalities. It’s important to know that everyone may be difficult at some time in their interactions with others. So to expect perfect interactions all the time would not be realistic. Yet, what is important is to understand methods for dealing with individuals who may be consistently difficult.
In fact, what’s necessary for starters is not to be overwhelmed by your own response to these individuals. It’s amazing the number of people who report being constantly “surprised” by the same behavior that others give them.
I taught communications workshops and courses for years for local businesses and also in the business school at Old Dominion University. Frequently, I asked my attendees, “Why are people difficult?” Their answers were primarily as follows: people have had difficult childhoods; they have personality disorders; they are full of repressed anger or fear; they weren’t taking their prescribed medications!, etc. All these answers seemed possible.
The real answer to this question, though, is simple: People are difficult because it works for them! It’s very important that you try to understand the reason for the individual’s behavior so that you can respond in a way that does not condone the behavior.
Let’s take one type of difficult personality: the Exploder. This person appears to have adult temper tantrums, often exploding out of nowhere. So what’s behind this behavior? Let’s try to understand the Exploder’s behavior. What brings explosions out?
- This person usually feels personally threatened before exploding.
- When a person feels personally threatened, he/she usually wants to be alone.
- The Exploder when threatened usually attacks–this creates distance which is what the Exploder wants.
- The Exploder usually feels suspicious of others and often makes the other person feel afraid or ashamed. Often these feelings are what the Exploder feels and he/she is projecting them on to others.
So how do you not allow this to work for the person? When the Exploder explodes or attacks, do not withdraw or become silent. Weigh your situation, but be sure to maintain your ground, take a stand, and respond by staying in your power.
What about another difficult personality–the Complainer (also known as the Whiner)?
What’s behind the behavior? Usually, the Complainer feels helpless and overwhelmed by an unfair world and unobtainable perfection. He/she may see problems as much worse than they really are and may try to make others miserable too. So offering solutions to them may make them whine even more.
Here’s a Strategy:
- Listen attentively to the complainer’s complaint even if you feel impatient and give good eye contact. Complainers wants attention.
- Don’t agree; you’ll encourage them.
- Don’t disagree; they’ll repeat their problems.
- Don’t try to solve them – you can’t.
- Don’t ask them why they are complaining to you since they may start again from the beginning.
- So listen for the main points, paraphrase and reflect. Write their complaints down.
- Then shift the focus to asking them to come up with solutions.
- Try to move into a problem-solving mode by asking specific informational questions.
- ATTENTION: Your goal is to form a problem-solving alliance.
- If all the above has achieved nothing, bring your conversations assertively to a close with something like, “Since your issue seems to have no feasible solution at this time, talking about it will probably not allow us to achieve the results you’re seeking. If you happen to think of a possible solution, please put it in writing, so we can proceed.”
When you put them in charge of solving their own problems, they usually cease complaining!
by Cynthia Bischoff | May 21, 2017 | Heartliving
Understanding and harnessing the principles of the body-mind connection can assist you on your journey to healing and wholeness. Join me on August 30, 2017, from 6:00-8:00 p.m., at Sentara Virginia Beach General Hospital, Virginia Beach, VA, for a new seminar, Healing Wisdom: Understanding the Body-Mind Connection. Through lecture and discussion I will teach you more about:
- Integrative views of healing
- An understanding of human energy fields and centers
- Intuitive meanings of symptoms
- And the symbolic meanings of major parts of the body!
Don’t miss this engaging and informative seminar, sponsored by Deepak Talreja, MD, Cardiovascular Associates!
The seminar fee is $25.00 and includes materials.
Spaces are limited and selling quickly.
If you’re ready to improve your life? Click: Register
by Cynthia Bischoff | May 14, 2017 | Heartliving
As young children, we held within our hearts the motherly feeling of knowing we would be okay. Who performed that role for you? It may have been your biological mother or “spiritual” mothers who have loved and mothered you in ways that cared for your soul. In some cases, not just your mother, but also other loving people helped you feel safe and loved, and inspired and motivated you to be your best self.
To our mothers and these wise and loving caregivers, we honor you on Mother’s Day!
Your Mother Is Always With You
Your mother is always with you…
She’s the whisper of the leaves
as you walk down the street.
She’s the smell of bleach
in your freshly laundered socks.
She’s the cool hand on your brow
when you’re not well.
Your mother lives inside your laughter.
She’s crystallized in every tear drop.
She’s the place you came from,
your first home…
She’s the map you follow
with every step that you take.
She’s your first love
and your first heart break…
and nothing on earth can separate you.
Not time, Not space…
Not even death…
will ever separate you
from your mother…
You carry her inside of you…
Author Unknown
by Cynthia Bischoff | May 7, 2017 | Heartliving
We formed our core relationship with ourselves and with life in early childhood based on the messages we received, the trauma we may have suffered, and the role modeling of the adults around us.
Co-dependent behavior (feeling the need to be connected to someone else in order to survive) is a pattern often developed in childhood to help a person to survive. Staying strongly connected to and/or attempting to control your caregivers may have been the only way you could feel safe.
This behavior may play out in your adult life as a need to feel connected to another person and a feeling that without that connection you may not survive. This may cause you to sacrifice your own growth in order to feel safe. It may cause you to feel the need to “please” people in your life in order to be approved.
As adults, we grow to understand that we are the only one who can “rescue,” truly approve, or reliably care-take ourselves. While there may be an Inner Child in us seeking love and care, we learn that there is an Inner Adult whom we can also develop who is capable of caring for us. In fact, we can contribute to the development of our Inner Adult by challenging the way in which we feel dependent upon others to meet our needs and by building our self-esteem.
This Inner Adult is a part of you that is capable of thinking well, stays in touch with reality, and is able to make wise choices by estimating the probability of consequences of certain acts. How do you strengthen your Inner Adult?
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Learn to trust and respect yourself. You can “course-correct” at any time by acting responsibly for your own life.
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Value yourself. Accept your desires for what they truly are and ask for what you need, not only from yourself but from others in your relationships.
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Maintain healthy boundaries. Do not under-function or over-function in your relationships with others.
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Enjoy spending time alone. Understand that being “alone” does not mean “lonely”; in fact, the word “alone” is derived from two words “all one.” You can feel complete when alone.
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Remind yourself of the times in which you cared well for yourself. Celebrate your successes in the past and look forward to standing by your own side now and in the future.
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Give yourself your own approval. Ultimately, you teach others how to treat you through your own behavior toward yourself.
