In certain circumstances, people may depend upon you to provide for them, take care of them, and guide them, and this temporary state of dependency may be normal. Yet if this dependency becomes permanent or occurs over a long period of time, the person may feel angry about needing you. Resentment may grow for both of you. “Why can’t I do this for myself?” may become the person’s question.
If the feelings and dynamics continue, the relationship can turn into a “hostile dependent” one in which the person feels angry for needing you as well as you feeling angry for the dependency.
How is this type of relationship created? You may create a hostile dependent relationship with another person through:
- a need to be needed–if I make the person dependent, I am important;
- a need to control–if the person is dependent on me, I can control their choices;
- a fear of being abandoned–if the person is dependent, he/she won’t leave me.
When you are helping others, ask yourself a few questions to ensure healthy relationship dynamics:
- Would my helping this person give him or her greater independence and growth?
- Would my assistance help this person to know his or her own talents, strengths, and capabilities?
- Does my helping cause this person ultimately to be able to help himself/herself?
Remember the Chinese proverb: “Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to fish and you feed them for a lifetime.”